Saturday, July 4, 2009


A moment of absolute vagueness. There’s simply no feeling whatsoever. Boredom, irritation, fatigue, distress, strain, disturbance, pain, misery, anxiety, helplessness, snit, bliss, ecstasy…nothing.
It’s pouring since midnight, and almost halfway through the day, there’s no sign of stopping. It’s monotonous and quite a nag. I decidedly didn’t carry the lower apparel of my rain suit. Presumably because I didn’t see it coming. Though now, to think of it, there was no way I could’ve not seen it coming. It’s a fifteen-minute walk from Lower Parel station to my office, which is at the end of the mill compound. So it goes without saying that when I reached my jeans was soaking. My strapless sandal got wet and the soles started slipping beneath my feet. I somehow managed to save my phone by putting it inside my underwear. Since then till now it has been almost 2 hours and I’m still sitting in my wet jeans. Not a very comforting situation, but I’ve no other option.
We were suppose to have a meeting today to chart out plans for the Budget day. When I came in there were only three people who were working on the weekend shows. After two hours now, I get to hear the meeting has been postponed to three. Somehow I was not aware of it. I’m not pissed.
I’ve a fire in my belly right now. Don’t let your imagination take a high-beta route. It only means I’m hungry. But being a Saturday, there’s no food in the canteen. I’m not miserable.
Currently, there’s no thought in my mind as well. When I’m breaking away from the flow of writing this blog, I’m blankly staring at the glass wall that curves the outside of the studio. Neel, our switcher in the PCR just passed by and said, “kyu bhai, itna sannate mein kyu hai?”. It took me sometime to realize it was for me, a little more to understand what it meant. It’s not fully because my mind is blank, but also because I’m terribly handicapped when it comes to our national language.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Probably because I want to kill time. The thoughts I’m scribbling are also coming to me intermittently, in the form of floating threads with no knots tying them together in one simplex harmony.
I remember, a few days back, a good friend told me that he was almost approaching sainthood and in fact, to establish the feeling, he had an ‘out-of-body’ experience. I’m trying to figure out how can I not be feeling anything. Isn’t the mind being possessed by ‘no thought’ or ‘no feeling’ the state one can call an out-of-body state? On second thought, not really. I guess your soul suspend above all feelings when you simply ‘GIVE UP.’

1 comment:

  1. Mature. Just a thought. In Zen philosophy, being thoughtless is impossible, because in trying to do so, you actually consciously make an effort to clear your mind off the clutter. So, in a way, by trying to be thoughtless, your thinking action is activated. This is why, zen philosophy rubbishes the idea of meditation as a way of improving concentration.